Dressed to Impress Opress
Remember those days when you were in kindergarten and your mom picked out your clothes to wear every single day? Remember how you always thought to yourself, “Man, I can’t wait to grow up, so I’ll finally be able to wear whatever clothes I want to, instead of these dorky pea green and mustard yellow striped Oshkosh B’Gosh shirts that all the kids tease me about?”
Well, the players in the NBA are going through that all over again after Commissioner David Stern instituted a league-wide dress code. What is the NBA turning into? A Catholic boarding school? Are you seriously trying to tell me that grown men, who make more money in one game than I will in 5 years as a teacher, are being told what to wear by their “mommy” Stern?
The regulations of the new dress code bans items such as sleeveless shirts, shorts, sunglasses while indoors and headphones, except if a player is on the team’s bus or in the locker room, while requiring players to wear collared shirts or turtlenecks at all times, along with sport coats whenever they are on the bench during a game and not playing. Stern calls the new dress code “business casual.” In other words, so long RocaWear, hello Ralph Lauren.
I’m sorry, but there’s no way that I can possibly take Allen Iverson seriously as he’s sitting at a post-game interview in his freshly pressed Armani suit coat, his multi-colored tie tied in a Windsor knot and his wingtips shining in the lights from the cameras, answering questions with, “We talkin’ about practice, man.”
As would be expected, many players are critical of the new restrictions on their freedom of expression. Iverson called the code “fake,” Tim Duncan said it’s “basically retarded” and to the stipulation that players can no longer show bling bling, Steven Jackson claimed Stern’s new policy was “racist.” Come on, Steven. Racist? How can you say that when you know perfectly well white boys like Mark Madsen are always sporting sick $30,000 medallions?
Some players, however, are not simply complaining, but giving constructive criticism to improve the policy. Marcus Camby suggested that Stern also include a several million dollar amendment, granting every player a little something extra in their pay checks to account for the expenses of an entirely new wardrobe. Marcus, I know you’re scrimping and saving every penny you’re getting to buy that new Lamborghini, but I’m sure you can find a spare fifty grand to buy some khaki pants and a shirt that can’t be found at your local Footlocker.
But no matter what the players say, the commish seems to be attached to his new dress code, so my advice for the players of the NBA is the same as Ron Artest, which is to just give in. That’s right, follow the dress code, but dress ugly. As Artest said, “I’m going to have some fun with it. I’ll wear, like, purple shoes, yellow slacks, a burgundy shirt, cut-up tie and a lavender sport coat. I’m going to mix it up.”
Ah, magnifique.