Roughly four years ago, before my younger sister was even a student here, she made the keen observation that "people at Hillsdale don't date. They just get married." At the end of my senior year, I can attest to that fact after having time for extended observation.
Don't get me wrong, I believe marriage is a good thing and a blessing from God. If you marry the right person. But as a realistic means to attain that blessing, I wish more people saw the value of casual dating, a needed Aristotelian mean between the damaging extremes of casual sex and legalistic courtship.
This campus needs to be liberated from those extremes, one of which is an antiquated custom that pre-dates my grandfather's youth, and the other of which is a reaction against it. Both are hurtful, one from preventing the discovery of one's own worth because of excessive focus on another, and the other by throwing away one's worth on whomever.
Though not fully experienced with the outer edges of those spectrums, I have tried both sides - serious dating and, well, overly casual dating. Neither is beneficial. Thus I have decided that something in between is necessary, and as yet nearly unrealized here at Hillsdale.
This is a "traditional and conservative" campus, right? Often those words are applied to things not only old but also worthy of retaining. Isn't my grandfather's dating style from the 1940s old enough? And do you know what that style was? Casual. And he was far from a rogue: a leader in his church, an officer in the Navy, and the son of a Kansas surgeon.
He was a gentleman. The wife he eventually chose he served for forty years, until a long illness took her from him.
It is a practical and honest acknowledgement of the permanence of marriage to date a variety of people rather than one exclusively. Shocking? Perhaps. But sensible. Through this approach, one is able to discern the traits one desires in a spouse.
When one has the age or means or interest to marry, one will be able to choose well. Thus the argument that dating is inappropriate because it is "purposeless" in comparison to courtship falls null and void.
Another argument the courtship crowd often levies against dating is that of "saving your heart" for The One. Two responses come to mind: the first is that you can date someone exclusively, though perhaps inadvisedly, marry them and give them your "whole heart." You still might make a poor choice. What then have you gained? The second is that you can date various people before choosing a spouse, and perhaps get your heart a little battered along the way. Wounds heal, but experience teaches: you can now make an informed choice about whom to marry. If the idealized concept behind "saving your heart" is honoring your future spouse, how else can you better honor them than by being unafraid to gain enough knowledge to say you chose them wisely and well?
It takes a stubborn kind of bravery for a man to marry the only woman he has ever pursued and face the possibility of having chosen wrongly. The safe feeling of courtship might only produce a marriage of hell and heartbreak. It is a more admirable and practical kind of bravery for a man to ask a woman to dinner, choosing to risk a little hell and heartbreak to gain a safe marriage.
If I am persuasive at all, please don't have your dates on campus. Honestly, who dreams of being romanced in the library or the E.A.R.? That's what boys do who are too scared to ask that attractive young woman in their Latin class on a real date.
Isn't it a more appealing idea to make eyes over a drink and a non-Saga dinner? Or how about an evening of conversation and, gasp, flirting while you mini-golf? People at Hillsdale need to expand their horizons- yes, there is stuff to do in Hillsdale. Go do it. And with somebody you like.
Be men. Be women. Not fearful little girls and boys who run to their parents for permission to have dinner with a new friend. Step forth and take a chance. You might actually find it freeing. And it's still moral. Yes, maybe Joshua Harris might have a cow, but he's not here, is he? And who made him an authority on dating?
In the days when I thought courtship sounded reasonable, I was a sophomore, and a guy I liked called my dad for permission to get to know me better. I expected my conservative, protective father to be pleasantly surprised by this guy's traditional manners (from the 19th century). He wasn't. At the time I didn't understand the wisdom of my dad's response, but I do now. What did he say to this paranoid young man? "Why are you calling me? Just take her on a date. Be friends. Get to know one another. What's the big deal? Relax!"
My thoughts exactly.
Bridget Karl is a Hillsdale College senior, majoring in English.