Affectionate smiles and fluttering hearts accompany suffocating amounts of pink paper, piles of decadent chocolate, extra-gooey PDA, and one nervous tenor belting “And I Will Always Love You” at your neighbor's door:
Valentine's Day has arrived.
Rather than launching into some anti-Valentine's Day cynicism pondering the lack of a “Pumpkin” or “Sugarcakes” in one's life, we instead take a look at a most common but at best puzzling relationship: platonic friendships with the opposite sex.
“Though it may be tricky, men and women can successfully become close friends,” wrote Camille Chaterjee from Psychology Today. “And what's more, there are good reasons to do it.”
There are advantages to your other-sex friends—guys have found that beer and football just doesn't lend itself to heart-to-heart sharing; at the same time girls can't find the laid-back, uncomplicated and playful guy-friend fun with their gal-pals while shopping, chatting, making lists of men, checking nails, and planning the weekend all in an afternoon at the mall.
The other perk? An inside track on the thoughts, feelings, and behavior of the oh-so elusive opposite sex.
“Men rated cross-sex friendships much higher overall in quality, enjoyment, and nurturance than same-sex friends,” psychologist Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., wrote. “And women like the protective, familial and casual warmth they get from men, viewing them as surrogate big brothers.”
But one query rises above the rest: the power of attraction—is it avoidable? Because of a not-so surprising magnetism between men and women, a sometimes-uninvited romance regularly causes confusion to even those with the best intentions. Couldn't there be a way around this?
Friedrick Nietzsche wrote, “Women can enter into a friendship with a man perfectly well; but in order to maintain it the aid of a little physical antipathy is perhaps required.”
Nietzsche is saying that unless the other person is physically unpleasant, a purely platonic friendship won't happen. Conclusion? We should either find unattractive friends or become unattractive ourselves for the sake of friendship.
Another alternative is to be friends with good-looking people and suppress our desires. But most would admit to helplessly acting different if not just plain asinine around a love interest—attraction is difficult to conceal.
Or is it? Women continue to boggle the mind—somehow remaining as naïve as ever. “Eighty percent of women underestimate how often men are attracted to them,” reported the admirable Cosmopolitan Magazine.
But there also remains the challenge of distinguishing between romantic and friendly feelings. Being sexually attracted to someone does not necessitate wanting to have a relationship with them. In the same way, you might love someone and enjoy him or her as a person but not want to date or marry him or her.
“Even friends who are attracted to each other may also recognize that qualities they tolerate in friendship wouldn't necessarily work in serious relationships,” Chatterjee writes. “Those that have decided early to bypass uncertain romantic relationships are more likely to have an enduring friendship.”
Friendship can be a testing ground—if sparks fly romance could develop, but if the enticement is never realized a friendship can potentially remain.
Researcher Vicki Harvey of California State Universit pointed out, “Friendship is a testing ground for a romantic relationship that may naturally develop from the friendship, or, the attraction may not last and they will continue as friends.”
This does not correlate with Nietzsche's ugly-friend theory (although you could always still give it a shot), but provides with an agreeable middle ground, whether actually accurate or not.
“Women are more likely to be friends with an attractive male with no sexual tension,” added White.
Could this mean that guys and girls have differing views on cross-gender friendships? A few Hillsdale students were willing to comment on the matter.
“Do guys and girls enter the friendship for the same reason? Well, I'd like to think so,” junior Heidi Johnson said.
“There's great possibility for sexual attraction, so there's a closeness level you can't go past,” senior Justin Perez said. “Although, it would probably be all right with girls—they see things differently.”
In her 1988 study Sapadin asked men and women their likes and dislikes about cross-gender friendship.
The women's number one dislike: sexual tension. And the men? One of their strongest likes was sexual tension, noting that it was sometimes the reason for initiating the friendship.
But either way, 62 percent reported that sexual tension was present in cross-sex friends. Either we didn't really want to know this or the girls are just coming out naïve once again.
“If friendship is going to become romantic, studies show it usually does so in the beginning,” said Heidi Reeder, communications professor at Boise State. “The longer the friendship, the more likely each person is to see the other as just a friend.”
By sticking through possible challenges of defining the friendship and the muddiness of uncertain affection, a beautiful and relaxed relationship can emerge. Although, one study does suggest that around the two-year mark platonic friends often reconsider their romantic options—nothing like a return to awkwardness after two years of familiarity.
So is it worth it?
Relationships 101 instructor at Seattle Pacific University confirms, “These friendships require a maturity and a willingness to stretch and grow in ways you don't have to with same-sex friendships. The benefits can be tremendous.”
“It's worth it,” said Hillsdale freshman Devon Blain. “Even if there is a chance of awkwardness or mixed feelings, having guy friends is one of the greatest things ever.”
“It's like having a sister,” sophomore Joe Schoonover said. “And sometimes it's better to remain friends—because you don't break up with friends.”
Complex, rewarding, baffling, and more challenging than finding boys at Mauck, this unique kind of friendship is worthy of celebration. Devoid of paper cuts, fattening chocolate, and sore lips, be happy this Valentine's Day with those guy—or girl—friends you love… in an affectionate high-five kind of way.
Lauren Grover is a Hillsdale College sophomore majoring in English.