Just as Cupid's arrow struck your heart, Larry Arnn picked your pocket. Valentine's Day comes on Monday, but your mailroom paycheck comes on Tuesday. Strapped for cash, you desperately search for activities to feign some sort of romance. Where can you be romantic when the Arb resembles Siberia? What is there to do when you are surrounded by cornfields that resemble Nebraska?
Here, we offer various options for every pocketbook. Compare your current bank statements with our “Degrees of Poverty” scale below. Then, follow our guidelines to an evening of romance, no matter your financial situation.
Whether there is a ring at the end of your evening or only a promise for a future date, just remember: even Dr. Arnn was at one time single and lonely.
High Wealth
Don your “Sugar Daddy” nametag, ask for Mark Helwig's approval of your outfit, request a philosopher-queen from the Kappa House, and hit the road for a driving adventure. Begin locally with a “fabulous drink” at one of Hillsdale's upscale pubs (seek out chocolate martinis and manhattans), charging them on your father's bejeweled platinum Kredit Kard.
Make reservations at one of the finest restaurants Southern Michigan has to offer: Schuler's (Marshall), Bella Notte (Jackson), or Saga's catering division (Hillsdale).
As you drive to the aforesaid restaurant, make sure to check in with your friends, updating them about every conversation and emotion you have had in the last 20 minutes. If you can find a Zach-Morris-era, retro cell phone...pull it out. You ARE a walking Urban Outfitters.
At dinner, pretend as though you know a lot about wine. We suggest using the super-French words: terroir , chateau , and Alsace-Lorraine . Insist that every course you order tasted better in Europe this past summer. Remember to end the evening with as much pomp and self-praise as possible.
Blue Collar Romantic
The evening starts with a homecooked meal at the fraternity house consisting of the freshly killed venison your lover has killed and fried. After reviewing the plays from the last home game, make a run to Rite-Aid for Corby's and Natty Light with which to fuel the evening. Before you party too hard, make sure to see Pooh's Heffalump at the cinema complex.
Another possibility takes advantage of local recreational sports. Get out of the double wide and strap on some skates at the local roller rink for a little wheeled action. Afterwards grab a bite to eat at the “voted best new resturuant in Hillsdale of 2004:” Arby's. And remember: condiments are free. Take advantage of the special sauces, spooning them into your lover's mouth. Cap off the evening by watching the Speedvision special biography of Dale Earnhardt.
Dire Straits
Though you will be dining at Saga, soak in all the atmosphere you can from the festive menu, linen tablecloths and live music. Consider sneaking in candles and hiding in an inconspicuous corner. To keep conversation as lively as a tray supper, memorize Latin love poetry to set the mood. If on good terms, hire Dr. Garnjobst to serenade your dinner with classic ballads.
Walking back at end of the evening to your dorm, have the Lord of the Rings soundtrack already playing softly in the background. Over a enrapturing game of Axis and Allies, let your hands gently brush as you manuever your pieces. Lastly, present a gift consisting of a 25-page rhetorical essay outlining Calvanism and its parallels towards your relationship. Do not hesitate to use the following words: fate, destiny, predestination.
Dean's Salary
“This Valentine's Day I'm giving my wife more chores and a new mop and broom set. I've already given her the best gift of all: our fifth child,” said Dean Petersen.