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'Massacre' truly
awful
Mindless, depraved violence is shameful
the Collegian @ the Movies
By Will Farnham
& Brett Langsather
Collegian Reviewers
Farnham:
Texas Chainsaw Massacre is the worst movie ever. Do not go see
it. To do so would be a terrible waste your time, money and
soul.
Langsather: If you are
a puerile waste of flesh and wish to be distracted from distractions
by distractions, I suggest you see the aforementioned "film."
Farnham: I'd tell you who
the top-billed actors were, but they didn't act. I'd tell you
what the characters names were, but there were no characters.
We merely have Evil, incarnate in the bodies of Leatherface
and the rest of the Hewitt family, and Victims. All the film
presents us with is five generic young adults on their way to
a Skynard concert, and the people that decide to murder them
without reason. The only thing motivating the viewer to care
whether these kids live or die is the fact that they're human.
We know nothing of them as individuals.
On the same token, we know nothing
of Leatherface, either. Nothing with the exception that when
he was a boy, kids picked on him for a skin disease, told to
us by his mother in a violent stream of vocal exposition. Oh!
Picked on! Why didn't I think of that? Now maybe I'll go slaughter
33 people because people thought I was an ugly kid! Needless
to say, plot and back-story are thin to nonexistent.
Langsather: I agree. You
mention that we only care about the victims because they are
human, and such is the case exactly. And yet the movie is itself
little more than a dehumanizing agent, reducing the moving art
form of cinema to a diabolic parade of cruelty uniquely enabled
to disturb the mind.
Farnham: Some might say,
"But it's not supposed to be good, it's a horror movie."
And some would be right. But Massacre doesn't even pass muster
for a horror movie. Sure, it makes you jump, because you're
not quite sure when he's going to jump out with a chain saw,
but still you know it's coming. This movie is chock-full of
"Let's run through a forest and then hide in a meat-packing
plant because we're in a thriller" moments. Hardly scary
or spooky. Not that the producers don't try to make some things
truly frightening rather than merely surprising. Leatherface
gets his name from one of his many fetishes: removing the skin
from victims' faces and wearing it as a mask. He rubs salt in
wounds, keeps victims alive for inordinate amounts of time,
hangs them from meat hooks, and takes part in countless other
twisted fantasies. Such things are disturbing along the order
of Se7en from a few years back, but this film lacks any of the
emotional or spiritual depth required for it to have any kind
of effect on the audience. Leatherface's perversions are shown
merely for the sake of being disturbing, not to make a point,
and thus lose any fear value they might otherwise have had.
Langsather: There is little
for me to add, so I will emphasis your point concerning the
lack of emotional and spiritual depth. Take, for an example,
Silence of the Lambs. Though a very disturbing movie, it redeems
itself by its fascinating plot and misleading action. The real
story of the Texas massacre is itself fascinating, and such
a tragedy deserves to be told well, but this movie fails even
to make the story bearable. There is nothing fascinating to
be found in the drama, dialogue or suspense; and there is nothing
fascinating to be found in the screams of the dying. Nothing,
save the capacity for depravity in the human imagination. I
hated every minute of this movie.
Farnham: It's a shame,
pity and sad commentary on modern America not only that this
movie was released, but that it opened at No. 1 in the box office.
Please, do yourself and all of us a favor and don't watch this
film. Zero stars. If I could take stars away, I probably would.
Langsather: I'm sad that
I saw this movie, but if I stop anyone from making the same
mistake, it might have been worth sitting through this nauseous
enormity. Believe me, this movie is not a well-told tale of
horror. It will thoroughly disgust you; or, for those of you
"unaffected" by evil, at least it will offend the
vestige of humanity in your forgotten soul.
As a matter of formality I grant zero out of a possible five
Newcastles to this pathetic waste of time.
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Will Farnham:
Zero Stars
Brett Langsather:
Zero Newcastles
Photo courtesy of New Line
Cinema
"Leatherface"
terrorizes five innocent young adults in the deranged remake
of the infamous cult horror flick.
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